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if i knew it all then would i do it again? i spy: the shoes beneath the bookcase. the intimacy of stolen glances. a feeling embossed in the cover of a book: green. purple. black. i dissociate further from the truth with every contact. a chorus of celebration erupts in the corner. i want a cigarette for the first time in a decade. you give me the one still burning in your mouth. it tastes like rose lip balm. green tea. you watch me inhale, a little with longing. you’re smiling now. the music is louder. i’m enveloped in leather and dark wood. you lean in like we’re fucking but we’re not. i forget a step. i leave red around the filter. i blink open, like carbonation rising to the top; the want, like drowning. i ache and eat, twist and repeat. a sunrise in the dark: